There’s a lot to be said about being in love.
I’m saying it my way…right from the beginning!
Meeting him was even more of a pleasure than I’d already thought it might be. His openness makes for a high comfort level in the energy of our shared space and conversation. I got that impression the first time I saw his picture and read his letter, and then again the first time we spoke on the phone. It looks like he has the best of the attractive qualities put together well, and they so seem to complement mine. His thoughtfulness is apparent in his attentions and I would like to share more of that atmosphere in more time with him.
I’m glad that we can agree to allow for a natural pace in this ‘adventure’ so that there is room to handle any leftover insecurities and new feelings that may pop up for me. Also, I need to learn where to put trust in someone outside myself, in particular, a man. It may also help to keep underlying passion in control to a degree in the face of infatuation, which often seems to disguise itself as true love.
He is already proven to be good for me, and I think I’ve found a new cure for anxiety. He is extremely considerate, tall and handsome at 51, and he certainly doesn’t look his age. He is soft-spoken and we have many similar views about life and the importance of personal responsibility. It appears that our paths had in fact crossed at a time in our lives when neither of us was ready for a real relationship, and the circles in this town were much smaller. We can talk in retrospect about past relationships and what we learned from them, as well as the relationship goals and ideals we aspire to today. This willingness to share openly allows for a lot of freedom in conversation as well as the freedom to get to know each other without the pressure of expectation.
Since I met with him, I’ve learned to breathe in a totally new rhythm and at any given moment, just the thought of him can bring me right back into that natural flow. I can honestly say that I was never ready for a sincere relationship before this and it’s like the words in that love poem I wrote for someone else are now coming alive for me, too. My whole body feels “zesty”. I have so much spice in my energy just waiting for the weekend when I can see him again that I can barely contain it enough to concentrate on work…YAHOO!
I think the first-time jitters about sex are out of the way, and our bodies fit together perfectly in the opulence of passion that we generate. We have a very strong mutual admiration and a common bond in our way of thinking. My feeling is that we are walking into the dawn of a great love where we can stop and savor each step. The new and strange thing is, I sense that somehow he is a part of me…a part that I need to take very good care of. It’s refreshing…liberating…and very provocative to meet a man that I can relate to on this level.
I’m glad I decided to wait until I was certain that I was ready to consider a relationship, even if it took almost four years, because he was worth waiting for. Already in him I’ve seen the man that I could only ever imagine in my day and night dreams. I am also learning to talk in sweetheart language, saying words I couldn’t say before. He is one sweet man and he brings these new endearments out in me.
“Taking it slow” means “allowing us to luxuriate” in our time together, and that’s exactly where I want to be. I don’t know what comes next, but I wouldn’t want to miss this getting there. The ambience is one of being invited to do what comes naturally, and it seems quite natural for me to feel exquisite when I am near him or even think about him. When he phones, it perks me up, and I love the sound of his voice, and I like hearing about his day. We have the same apprehensions about moving too fast by calling too often, so as not to impose on each other’s space. That’s funny though, because we find excitement rather than imposition in sharing our respective space.
The feelings I have for him expand far beyond anything I have ever experienced or seen in my life, and I can actually feel each incredible moment as it lingers to create new cellular memory in my body.
Getting to know him is such an enjoyable treat that I often wonder what I could have done so right in my life to merit such favor from the universe. The way he bestows his affections on me makes me feel that I am deserving of all the riches in the galaxy. One thing that truly tickles my heart is how he winks at me when I catch his eye in a glance, which happens quite often by the way.
His desire for honesty in a relationship is no idle goal either, as he commands it of himself in his own quest for intimacy. As far as getting to know how the other operates, my life is pretty much an open book in that I have literally bared my soul through my writing, and the events of my life are common knowledge. I find that writing comes easy, as I can edit the words as often as necessary to express my profound feelings, rather than trying to say the words in proper sequence the first time around. Now, I have the opportunity to vocalize my thoughts with someone as if they cared what I was thinking about or even feeling, beyond the chitchat level.
I have been content to some degree to wade around in the friendship waters with other people during the course of my day, but I now find myself yearning to dive deeper into companionship, and that takes someone special. I guess I never really knew myself well enough or trusted anyone before, so I stayed close to the shallow shores of acquaintance, and far from the deep sea of intimacy. Perhaps I never had the right person before to distract me beyond friendship mode and venture towards integrated loving. In reflection, my past relationships had been about forcing the limited capabilities of friendship to conform to a predetermined mold. Now I have a confidence in my own sense of self to explore the depths of this dynamic relationship with him.
He truly is a gentleman, with his boyish good looks and the sultry tone he uses to charm me from my stoic secluded lifestyle. His handsomeness goes beyond a swooning gaze as it permeates every nuance of his character. Our minds are in sync on many occasions, as if we’ve known each other for a long time, or a long time ago. There is a strong sense of familiarity that is perhaps more obvious because we are quite alike in the foremost aspects of life. When I find myself confronting one of life’s little tests or my own insecurities, I think of him, and they shrink very quickly at that altitude.
I have learned to dance on the clouds of romance with style now, and I quite enjoy the high-stepping atmosphere beyond what appears to have been a monotonic way of life. ‘Mono’ in that I was single-minded and ‘tonic’ in that I was biding my time restoring my faith in my self, which is what I needed to do before I could share my mind, heart, and wonderful life with any man.
Making love is fresh and innocent again, and sex is the ultimate expression of the love we make all day, like two people co-creating a single masterpiece. This is definitely art nouveaux for me, because I don’t remember my body being so fluid or responsive to touch, and I never knew what beautiful actually felt like before he said it. “You are beautiful”, he states quite freely to me, and only from his lips have I ever believed those words to be true. The man who was once merely an image that visited me in my dreams is now a touchable loving reality in my life, and maybe that’s how I know him so well, from those dreams.
Amidst all this wonder, we’ve exuded no pressure or expectations on ourselves, or each other beyond our choice to be together. In unpretentious moments we find an energy that inspires, satiates and overflows with an exotic flavor all its own, and it’s in this energy that I feel most at home.
How can I describe the sensation of love’s infusion into the heart for someone who has never experienced it? There is a caress, followed by a gentle tug at a certain spot in the area behind the breast bone. When it is noticed and accepted, there is a saturation of beauty that fills the heart cavity and deepens the breath. It’s unmistakable and cannot be forced, only accepted. No one is immune, but not everyone accepts it, or even notices it. I’m glad I did…it brought me the gift of romance, among other things.
Over the years I had built up enough armor to withstand many seduction attempts by eros. I wore it every day…polished and bright. It seems my armor was but an old cobweb to be brushed aside in this instance, which brings a question to my mind. What is so special about this man that I want to devote such love to him?
There are many qualities that would support the notion to fall more deeply in love with the man who holds me in ecstasy. The essences of life that surround us when we are together are regal, as if we own an empire. Even through our struggles to maintain our individuality and resistance to uncharted emotions, I am fascinated in this realm of being. I want to learn all there is to know about loving this man and I’m delighted when I solve a small piece of this relationship puzzle. What’s more is I’m learning so much about my self, my capabilities, and my limitations when it comes to sharing my life with another person.
We are constantly finding new balance as our synergy expands to new levels and prompts new directions. Even the feel of our bodies is new territory to explore and the language of touch makes for some fabulous in-depth conversations. It goes without saying that our activities are more meaningful and deliberate when it’s ‘just us’. The chore on Monday mornings is to refocus and re-integrate from the highness of two people in total synchronicity into a lifestyle that seems so foreign, and the toil is in grasping to be a part of that.
In a moment of solitude, I watch the heavy rain pelt down on the pond making bubbles that dance until they burst, and I feel like those bubbles. I wonder if this rich romance will ultimately lead to true love, or if I will be left to relive these chapters now that I’ve captured the words. Either way, he was worth the wait…and he was worth every moment.
©2005 Diane E Babcock
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