100 Twitter-Ready ‘Hey Harper!’ Rants

hey harper rant logoTry a Hey Harper! rant.

They reflect the sentiments of so-o-o many Canadians and they are so-o-o satisfying!

There’s a rant for everyone: kids, scientists, religious folk, nature lovers and activists everywhere.These rants were made to accommodate Twitter at 140 characters or less, so you can add your own hashtags to many. My favourites are: #cdnpoli #bcpoli #notankers #notarsands & I change Harper! to #Harper when I tweet. It’s that easy!
  1.  Hey Harper! Read any good books lately? Didn’t think so. Guess what I’ve been reading? It’s all about democracy!
  2. Hey Harper! My friend rode his mountain bike over 4,000km across Canada for democracy. What have you done? Oh yeah…ZERO.
  3. Hey Harper! Most people have lies that come out of a mouth, but you have a mouth that comes out of lies. You CAN’T bite your tongue!
  4. Hey Harper! You think we’re all mindless sheep. Guess what? This is BC. We’d be Rocky Mountain Sheep and we can head-butt.
  5. Hey Harper! How is it we do the thinking for you and clean up after you, but WE pay YOU? We want a refund!
  6. Hey Harper! Once your delusion of grandeur is over, what island do you want to be exiled to? Some place nice…like Amchitka!
  7. Hey Harper! Canadians like being called slick, because they’re suave…not because they’re covered in oil.
  8. Hey Harper! Is Enbridge really that good in the sack you’d sacrifice an entire country? That’s some pillow talk!
  9. Hey Harper! Have you ever even had one democratic thought in your life? It’s OK to use the dictionary.
  10. Hey Harper! Why fire the scientists we need to fix the tar sand problem? Oh yeah…not YOUR problem!
  11. Hey Harper! Why do you always run away to other countries? Too many TAR babies in Canada for you?
  12. Hey Harper! You know that problem you have with the ‘mind over matter’ concept? You need a mind first.
  13. Hey Harper! I hear you like to play in a rock band. They have a kind of ‘rock band’ in prison, too.
  14. Hey Harper! That’s not a high horse you ride around on…it’s a trojan horse and it’s got trojan worms.
  15. Hey Harper! Which is the lesser of your two evils: Enbridge or Kinder Morgan? Neither…evil is evil.
  16. Hey Harper! Christy Clark learned to be a liar and cheat from Gordon Campbell, Campbell learned from you, but who did you learn from?
  17. Hey Harper! Enbridge whispered about a pipeline 7 years ago…then they stopped. Setting the stage, eh?
  18. Hey Harper! Picture this: all of the democratic, human rights and moral laws you’re breaking are suddenly enforced? I LOVE that picture!
  19. Hey Harper! Without batting an eye, you broke the first rule of law in democracy: NO ONE is above the law.
  20. Hey Harper! You dissed democracy, which is human rights and civil liberties. What part don’t you like?
  21. Hey Harper! There’s nothing ‘progressive’ about regressing into a fossil-brained authoritarian regime.
  22. Hey Harper! Anti-virulence drugs won’t save you from that dose of reality pandemic that’s hitting the country.
  23. Hey Harper! China bets on everything. Got your money down on when the first bitumen spill will happen in BC? My money’s on NEVER!
  24. Hey Harper! Think video games can’t teach politics? Your propaganda tactics are just like dictator Baby Panay’s in Just Cause 2.
  25. Hey Harper! Why trade a semi-functional democratic system for a wholly dysfunctional authoritarian one? Right…your dysfunction.
  26. Hey Harper! This is Canada speaking. Why are you trying to destroy me? What did I ever do to you?
  27. Hey Harper! When they come for your head, which side do you want profiled?
  28. Hey Harper! If it wasn’t for arrogance and greed, you’d have no talents at all.
  29. Hey Harper! You do know the difference between oil and bitumen…right? Didn’t think so!
  30. Hey Harper! Occasional abuse of our health and welfare system is less costly than your endless abuse of our political one.
  31. Hey Harper! I found a new cutback that will save Canada billions: QUIT!
  32. Hey Harper! Years ago you said you wanted to come on board to work for Canada, but you were planning mutiny all along.
  33. Hey Harper! I used to be afraid of snakes, but after dealing with you, a big 3-footer didn’t scare me at all…and it’s more sociable!
  34. Hey Harper! Don’t you know it’s a SIN to mix religion and politics? God will get you for that!
  35. Hey Harper! That’s not the voice of God you’re hearing: it’s the voice of Greed, but your arrogance knows that already.
  36. Hey Harper! Fundamentalism and extreme conservatism is your choice, not ours. We don’t practice your religion.
  37. Hey Harper! The Bible says you can’t serve two masters. You had better stop serving yourself if you want to get to heaven.
  38. Hey Harper! You know those lies you bind yourself with? Those are the same ones you’re going to hang yourself with.
  39. Hey Harper! Remember those beatings you got as a child? Those were nothing compared to what you’re going to get.
  40. Hey Harper! You think BC has no industry, so you have to ram a pipeline up our rears ends? What dementia are you in?
  41. Hey Harper! Learning starts early in life, so which Sunday School taught you predatory politics or does it just come naturally?
  42. Hey Harper! What does your religion promise to their believers? You know there really are no virgins waiting for you, right?
  43. Hey Harper! In order of appearance: Infinite Universe, Earth, Humanity (religion optional). Get it straight!
  44. Hey Harper! When you’re reincarnated as a tar sand beetle will you force the other beetles to build your pipeline?
  45. Hey Harper! While you’re chipping away at the cornerstone of Canada, we’re building a new one that you can’t touch.
  46. Hey Harper! I’m guessing that your favourite disciple is Judas. Remember what he did to himself? Now it’s your turn.
  47. Hey Harper! Bend over. I’m ready to lay that pipeline for you. I promise it won’t hurt me a bit.
  48. Hey Harper! You know in The Emperor Has No Clothes where people laugh at him behind his back? You  have no brains.
  49. Hey Harper! Your disdain for the equality of women is in direct violation of human rights under UN’s CEDAW. Can’t you read either?
  50. Hey Harper! You sully the noble reputation of all Canadians. Expect a class action suit for defamation of character.
  51. Hey Harper! You should sit this one out. You don’t dance the democracy. Go back to your pipe-line dancing in Alberta.
  52. Hey Harper! Notice your ears burning? Your name comes up a lot while we’re building a case against you with the UN.
  53. Hey Harper! I’ve identified your breed. What’s a mutated cross between a corporate porker and fascist pig? A hegemonic hog!
  54. Hey Harper! Some folks don’t know how to assert their anger towards you. I’m a life coach…I can help with that.
  55. Hey Harper! As a bookkeeper, I know the first sign of poor management and even poorer business skills? CUTBACKS!
  56. Hey Harper! A true Christian asks themselves, “What would Jesus do?” It seems you’ve dissed him, too. Not a true Christian are you!
  57. Hey Harper! Your idol China supports Kim Jong Un who fed his uncle naked to a pack of starving dogs…for corruption.
  58. Hey Harper! Your chum China has a deplorable Human Rights record. I see you’ve been taking lessons in HR violations.
  59. Hey Harper! You may appear to practice predatory politics, but you’re really more parasite…more Enbridge minion.
  60. Hey Harper! You sacrifice 4 priceless barrels of fresh life-giving water for 1 useless barrel of toxic crude. What an IDIOT!
  61. Hey Harper! You know how you can’t call anyone a fool, because God never made fools? You’re the exception.
  62. Hey Harper! When the snooze button runs out for all the late sleepers, you will be the burglar in the house.
  63. Hey Harper! Thanks to you I’m losing weight from that nauseating affect you have, but I prefer bulimia…at least it will end.
  64. Hey Harper! You know the pristine hinterlands and parks you want to open up to industry? That’s OUR land…not yours!
  65. Hey Harper! You think legalizing marijuana will make our children drug addicts? You must think we’re all bad parents like you!
  66. Hey Harper! You teeter on the edge of crimes against humanity under UN charter. Gonna let Enbridge push you over?
  67. Hey Harper! When Saddam Hussein stole peoples’ land, they came to Canada. You’re not stealing OUR land and we’re NOT leaving!
  68. Hey Harper! I’m picturing your exile: a dank cabin on the shores of acrid tailings ponds in the toxic tar sands you love so much.
  69. Hey Harper! When are you and Christy Clark going to start charging GST to Soup Kitchen patrons? We know you want to!
  70. Hey Harper! You know the South Korean ferry captain who said everything was OK, abandoned ship, everyone died? That’s you!
  71. Hey Harper! We need a kamikaze pilot for the suicide mission to Russia. We voted for you and it’s unanimous…you won!
  72. Hey Harper! We’re going to stop the world here and let you off…you stayed on way too long after your stop.
  73. Hey Harper! If your standards get any lower, you will have dug clear through to China. There’s a pipeline route for you!
  74. Hey Harper! Domestic violence is up, because of displaced anger meant for you. Get back here and take it like a woman!
  75. Hey Harper! Who made you scientist? Right…your Degree in Predatory Politics lets you dictate on behalf of science!
  76. Hey Harper! I’ve gone through United Nation’s primary list of Human Rights and you simply don’t abide to MOST of them.
  77. Hey Harper! I know what your problem is: TREATIES! Just like First Nations, those Human Rights violations are piling up.
  78. Hey Harper! You only follow on the heels of greatness to make yourself look great…that just makes you great at being a parasite!
  79. Hey Harper! I have some pet names for you: hegemonic hog; psychotic parasite; sick sycophant. What do you like best?
  80. Hey Harper! When you bark like a deranged terrier about other world leaders, we all sigh, shake our heads and promise ourselves…SOON!
  81. Hey Harper! Didn’t the proctologist find any brain cells at all during your last prostate exam? I got lots…I’ll donate some of mine!
  82. Hey Harper! The people of BC built this province, NOT government. OUR life’s work…OUR masterpiece. Keep your filthy mitts off!
  83. Hey Harper! Wynne doesn’t have to worry about grocers turning our kids into alcoholics, they can just go to your house.
  84. Hey Harper! You lie like a pipeline and spew toxic goo like a pipeline. You must be a pipeline. They bury pipelines, don’ they?
  85. Hey Harper! If you think I’m waiting for an election to be rid of you…think again. Yesterday isn’t soon enough!
  86. Hey Harper! I’ve asked the powers that be to help deal with you and everything’s all set…I just have to do my part.
  87. Hey Harper! I guess we won’t be able to use the expression, “Having a ‘whale’ of a good time!” anymore thanks to you.
  88. Hey Harper! It’s not the invisible man in the sky calling you self-righteous…it’s your earthly narcissistic nature.
  89. Hey Harper! One more day with you is another stab into the very heart of Canada that is felt all across this country.
  90. Hey Harper! Death by 1,000 cuts doesn’t sound so bad when you compare it with your death by 1,000,000 cuts to Canada.
  91. Hey Harper! People resonate with the truth. Lies create imbalance and instability. We can feel it in our gut when you’re lying.
  92. Hey Harper! Cutting through your crap may take a bigger blade of stronger substance, but we just happen to have one!
  93. Hey Harper! I can tell when you bathe in the ocean. Your oily scum washes up on the beaches here in BC.
  94. Hey Harper! In comparison, my worst behaviour is on par with your best behaviour. I feel better about myself already.
  95. Hey Harper! How commendable it is that your wife stands up for the homeless…CATS. Such high priorities you both have!
  96. Hey Harper! Christy Clark may have gotten off the fence, but not for BC; it’s because you were holding her treat bag.
  97. Hey Harper! There’s no need to frack for gas in BC; there’s plenty of cheaper resources at our parliament buildings.
  98. Hey Harper! One day when you look back on these times, don’t cry. I heard inmates don’t respect you when you cry.
  99. Hey Harper! Here’s a trade agreement I like: All of our harmless prisoners for one noxious prime minister. YES!
  100. Hey Harper! I make intelligent choices and feel capable; you make ignorant choices and feel how? Never mind…I don’t want to know!

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